Bad mood

Usually I'm a very happy person. That's mainly because I'm blissfully oblivious to the world around me.

That was one crazy afternoon.

But I must confess that today I was in a bit of a grump. There wasn't any reason why I was in such a bad mood. But that just makes it worse, because I get annoyed with myself for being grumpy for no reason, and it becomes a vicious cycle of murderous rage.

So before long, I become a miserable misanthropist who finds even the kindest gesture an insult to humanity.

Someone started chatting to me on Facebook, and I resented this person for no reason whatsoever. I was on Facebook, and online, so I had no right to be annoyed with anyone for talking to me. But I was. So if you're reading this and thinking, yes, I was being a bit of a moron today, I apologise.

But, I ate some chocolate and spoke to my brother so I am now happy again. Plus, my friend sent me this video, which made my heart smile. Unless it was angina.

Which picture best represents your life?

At Christian Union yesterday, we did an activity where you answered a questionnaire using a set of pictures instead of using words. So you'd have a question like, How do you feel about your life at the moment? and a set of generic pictures like:

It was surprisingly interesting and thought-provoking. It's the sort of thing that counsellors ask clients to do to think about their lives. My brother and I were talking about the sort of pictures we would use if we were counsellors. We decided we'd use pictures which were subtly (or not so subtly) negative, so that we could effectively cater for our market. Pictures like:

And if any clients expressed surprise about the choice of pictures, we'd just reply, 'You're at a counsellor's office, what did you expect?' Or, alternatively, 'And how does that make you feel?'

Quick Questions

1. Which picture best describes your life at the moment?
2. Do you think I'd make a good counsellor?
3. How does that make you feel?

Surviving a First Aid course

I went on a first aid course this week. I will confess that I was somewhat nervous. There were three reasons for this:

#1 Responsibility scares me

I find it difficult remembering my own name* and anything else which is remotely connected to real life. Once a friend asked me for my telephone number, which I duly gave her. But the number wasn't mine: it was another friend's. I'm sure my friends thought I was trying to matchmake. It didn't work out either way. I also forget my brother's birthday even though we're twins. Having responsibility for someone else's life is terrifying.

This conversation actually happened. It really didn't help.

#2 I have an aversion to exercise

The idea of doing five minutes of chest compressions disturbs me. If I ever have to do it to someone in real life, I'll be expecting at least a thank you card. A box of chocolates wouldn't go amiss either.

#3 I faint

I have an ability to faint at a moment's notice. I faint at injections. I faint in hot classrooms. I faint when treading on something sharp in the garden. In other words, I faint. This and first aid don't go well together. In fact, at the last first aid course I went to, I passed out. They showed this video about heart attacks, and I fainted. Way to go, British Heart Foundation.

Ironically, nobody noticed me slouched unconscious in my chair. Or if they did, they obviously decided (quite rightly) that I'd prefer to possibly choke on my tongue and die than face the embarrassment of being pointed out at a first aid meeting.

So all in all, I was pretty nervous. But, thankfully, it went quite well. I didn't pass out even though they showed a video of someone who nearly drowned, which was a plus. And not only did I do about 10 minutes of chest compressions, I also got to do some abdominal thrusts, and got to use a defibrillator. I'd love to use one in real life, just so I can shout, 'Clear!' in my most melodramatic voice. Yes, I take human life very seriously.

*Someone once asked me, 'Is your name John?' to which I replied, 'yes'.

My eggcellent year so far

I hope you've had a great 2011 so far, and what a year it's predicted to be. So far I...

• have had no running water for three consecutive days.
• opened my new 'hi-techpoint' gel pens, to much excitement.
• Spent hours staring at Arabic vocabulary I'm meant to already know.
• had a fight with a teflon coated saucepan. Teflon is my number #2 mortal enemy after clingfilm.

Me and clingfilm don't go together well.

I also went to McDonalds. This was a mistake. I ordered my Happy Meal Big Mac Meal, but because there weren't any chips, the person said he'd bring it over. Except he forgot. Story of my life.

But, it did give me time to peruse the local newspaper, the Islington Gazette. I love local newspapers, they always have such interesting news. Today's edition included the stories:

• Ice skating rink which has been closed since June remains closed.*
• Theives in Tesco have been swapping organic eggs with value eggs.

How eggciting. Surprisingly, the guy who got stabbed only made it to the last few pages. But that's probably because that happened in Holloway, and this is Islington. But, I did get a free apple pie because the McDonalds Man** forgot. It wasn't very big, but yet contained one fifth of my recommended daily fat intake. That information made it all the more satisfying.

On the way out a homeless man asked me if I had any change for food. I said I didn't. I should have given him the apple pie, which was in my pocket at the time.*** But I didn't think of that, because I suffer from concrete thinking. Like the time my girlfriend asked whether she could use my computer to check her emails. She asked whether there was a password to log on. I said no, forgetting you needed a password to access the internet.

So that's my start for 2011. And to finish off, here are some quick questions:

1. How's your 2011 going so far?
2. What are your plans for the year?
3. Can you think of any more terrible egg-related puns?

*Ironically the ice skating rink was closed because the ice wouldn't freeze. For the last month, I don't know why they didn't just open the doors.
**His name was George, but I prefer to think of him as Ronald. I think I'm now going to call every cashier at McDonalds 'Ronald'.
***Doesn't that sound like a crude euphemism? Is that an apple pie in your pocket, or...

Why I'm destined for a life of poverty

For Christmas, some of my relatives gave me money instead of a present, because I've told everyone I know how desperately poor I am and how I've only enough money to eat extra value pasta and free samples from the cheese counter (if you donate just £2 a week...). Some of them gave me the money in cheque form. Unfortunately, cheques require going to the bank. This is where my problems started.

It began well. I looked up my nearest branch on the internet, and I set off with the cheques. When I got to the bank, I was a bit confused. Unlike a normal branch with the cash desks where you get to speak to a human being, there was one desk and lots of computers. After standing in two different queues for different types of computers, I finally found the queue for the podiums for paying in cheques. The large 'pay in cheques' sign on the wall above them was a bit of a give away, even if it took me ten minutes to notice it.

But things got worse. The instructions on the screen were rather vague.

I knew I needed to fill in one of those paying in slips. But in the process of trying to follow the instructions on the screen and the thought 'I need to fill in a paying in slip', I ended up putting my cheques and a blank paying in slip into the machine. Obviously, somewhere in my mind, the thought, 'I need to fill in a paying in slip' morphed into 'I've filled in a paying in slip'.*

I had to go to the one desk and queue for ages, just to say to some poor lady, "I'm a complete moron." When I explained my predicament she looked at me as if I was insane (what could have ever led her to think that?) but that if she didn't remain calm, I would visciously attack her with my bare hands.

However, after some computer wizardry, she said that she'd sorted the problem. All's well that ends well. Unless the cheques bounce.

*The technical term for making up memories is confabulation. However, in this case, stupidity is a better explanation.

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been at home, cut off by blizzards of snow, and a three day walk from an internet connection. Well, that's a lie, but there's been some snow, and my computer is in London, so I've had to use my brother's old laptop.

So this is Christmas
Here's a quick lowdown* of what I've done during the Christmas holidays.

1. My lovely girlfriend came for Christmas.

2. My brother, aforementioned girlfriend and I went to Midnight Communion in Minstead (where Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is buried**). It was a bit boring. The vicar, who was a Pope look-a-like, had a rather boring voice and talked nonsense: 'You look into the manger and you see Jesus' face saying, "I want to be your friend."' But he did drink the left-over port rather energetically after Communion.

3. I opened Christmas presents. Said presents included a lot of toiletries. I don't know whether there is a reason for this.

A dramatic reenactment of what happens when I put on aftershave.

4. I ate lots and lots of turkey.

5. I played a lot of bubbleshooter.

6. I went to a birthday party involving scalectrix racing. The person whose birthday it was turned 32 that day, but that didn't mean we didn't have fun eating cake and racing cars. I came last.

7. I ate lots of chocolate, cakes and other food.

...and a happy New Year
Today is New Year's Eve. Every year, according to tradition, our family goes to a party at another family's house. Unfortunately, this year, this family have come down with the flu. So this year I'm not doing any thing for New Year's Eve this year. So instead, I'm going to go to have a hot chocolate and go to bed early.

I am also writing a list of New Year's Resolutions. So far it includes:

1. Write my dissertation and finish my masters.
2. Stop procrastinating.
   
3. Write a novel, have it published, and win the Man Booker Prize.
4. Learn to speak Arabic fluently.
5. Read the entire Bible. In its original languages.
   
6. Find a job.
7. Maybe volunteer abroad. Or get an internship. Win the Nobel Peace Prize for the work I do.
8. Get my own Wikipedia article.

Do you have any other suggestions of what resolutions I should make? Anyway, I shall be off, so Happy New Year to you all!

*Just because it rhymes with 'lowdown'.
** Although he's been dead for more than two hours.

Adult Authority Figure

I haven't posted anything much in a while, but I was just thinking of a conversation children often have with their parents or teachers. It has to be one of the most annoying things an adult can say to a child.

Child: How do you spell catharsis?*

Adult Authority Figure: Look it up in the dictionary.

What is that all about? It's a) completely illogical, b) lazy and c) just an attempt by Adult Authority Figure to hide their ignorance. Another example of parental stupidity is, 'If you fall over and break both your legs, don't come running to me for sympathy.' Actually, from a medical perspective, that could be considered sound advice.

Can you think of any other stupid things parents say to children?

*I was a precocious child.