My first dictionary

If you like dark humour, then this is the blog for you. My First Dictionary takes the book we all know and love but twists it in a horribly sick fashion. And if you're horribly sick, like me, you'll find it hilarious. Here's an example of one of the words.

Movie deaths

In operas, characters sing before they die.

Count the bodies.

In films, even the most inarticulate characters...

...suddenly have a life-shattering epiphany moments before their time is up. Whilst suffering from gunshot wounds, hypothermia, poisoning, etc., they make elegant speeches where they're able to tell their families how much they love them.

Can you guess the film?

I know that's not how I'm going to die. I don't want to die like that. I want to die in a blaze of inchorence, where my impending doom is highlighted by my inability to form a single sentence. I want my last line to be something like, 'I need to defrost the television,' or something like that.

Another thing I don't get are murder mysteries. It's ok when the detective comes across dead people as a part of his or her job (CSI for example, or at a push Diagnosis Murder), or when their skills are called upon to help solve a crime (Bones), but I can't help getting suspicious of detectives, who, for no apparent reason, arrive at murder scenes on a weekly basis. I've not seen a single dead person in my entire life, let alone a murder victim (touch wood). Why are we expected to believe that some old lady, by random chance, regularly finds herself intruding on a murder scene? Either they're really unlucky, or there's something suspicious going on. Either way, I wouldn't want to end up near one of those people, because the likelihood is you're going to end up on Crimewatch before the end of the evening.

And while we're on the theme of death, here's a gruesome death related fact for you. When brain-dead people are removed from life support systems, their arms sometimes lift up and then fall over their chests. This is known as the Lazarus sign. I've got loads of these sorts of facts. They're great conversation starters at parties. 'Hi, did you know that up to half of hypothermia victims undress before they die?'

Quick Questions

1. Did you guess the film? You're right, it was Deep Impact.
2. What would you like your last words to be?
3. Who's your favourite fictional detective? Sherlock Holmes? Jessica Fletcher?* Peter Boyd?

*You've gotta love Angela Lansbury. I honestly cried at that film every time I watched it as a child.

I know a song that'll get on your nerves

We've all had it. We've listened to a catchy song, but once the song has stopped playing, it keeps on going in our heads. We have a song stuck in our heads. Luckily, unlike having physical objects stuck in our heads, this phenomenon is harmless, but is more likely to irritate women than men.

What I want to know, which is the worst song for getting stuck in your head? My brother introduced me to the amazing 'Banana Phone' song.

Of course there are other songs which seem to make their way into your brain. One of my favourites is Total Eclipse of the Heart by the gravelly-voiced Bonnie Tyler.*

In German, they call this phenomenon Ohrwurm or earworm. But unlike real parasitic worms, this is just a metaphor.

So, quick questions:

1. What makes a song get stuck in your head?
2. What's the most annoying song you know?
3. When was the last time you had a song stuck in your head, and how long did it last for?

*Bonnie Tyler's famous raspy voice comes from an operation she had to remove nodules on her vocal chords. She was ordered not to speak for several weeks after the operation, but did so, giving her voice its unique quality.

Chilean miners rescue

Isn't it wonderful that the Chilean miners, who have been trapped underground in dark, humid, hot conditions are finally being rescued? The bravery and good-naturedness of the miners has captured worldwide attention, and they have received gifts from around the world, including signed Barcelona shirts, money, and a holiday in Greece.

I know that if I was trapped underground for more than five minutes, I'd have a psychological breakdown.

Me after a night out.

But (yes, there's always a but), not to be cynical... have you ever noticed when someone says, 'I'm not being...' they are...

Back on track, I don't really get the nationalistic celebration which seems to have erupted around the whole rescue. People watching the rescue have been shouting 'Chile!' and the miners have been saying 'Gracias Chile!' As I've said, I have huge admiration for the miner's bravery and mental and physical strength, and yes, the country (and the world) should celebrate that they've been rescued, but I don't get the outpouring of pro-Chile feeling. After all, it was the lax health and safety in the mines which led to the tunnel's collapse in the first place. But maybe it's just me.

On a different note, have any of you been to Dans le noir? It's a restaurant where you get to eat in pitch darkness to experience the sensation of being blind (can you see my thought processes here?). I went to the original one in Paris more than a year ago now. It was a great experience, and I really had fun. But have you ever noticed that when a group of friends somehow end up somewhere dark, a lot of prodding and grabbing is involved? Because for some reason, when it's pitch black, it's suddenly molestation fun to grab people.

In another sidetrack, I'm amazed that in the film Buried, which I haven't watched, Ryan Reynold's character gets mobile phone reception. If only the same was true on the London Underground.

Last aside, I promise. If you ever get buried in an avalanche and survive, you should still have enough air to breathe. Don't start digging randomly, because you don't know which way is up. What you should do is dig a little hole around your mouth and spit into it, to find which way down is. Then dig in the opposite direction.

Quick Questions*

1. So, what would your worst claustrophobic, horror movie nightmare be?
2. What was your weirdest or most interesting dining experience?
3. Should I watch Buried?

*I stole this idea from my brother's blog a yonder.

A bad flyer

Warning: If you do not like flying or vomiting, or have a fear of death and injury, then click here. You have been warned.

I am a bad flyer. And I don't mean this...

I mean that when I fly, I have an urge to talk about all the possible things that could go wrong on a plane. For example, some friends and I were flying to Spain. As our plane was taxi-ing on the runway, my friend turned to me and asked me whether we would be in greater mortal peril if we crashed onto the land or the sea.

'Well,' I replied, 'it depends on the angle the plane hits the water.' You see, if the plane hits the water at too shallow of an angle...

Then the plane skims like a stone, bouncing repeatedly. But if the plane hits the water at too steep of an angle, the wings are ripped off and water rushes into the plane at hundreds of miles an hour.

This was seconds before our plane was about to take off, cross the Bay of Biscay and then land at Alicante airport. I'm quite sure the other passengers weren't too happy.

(Un)fortunately, I am not alone in this affliction. I was once flying home from Leipzig in Germany. After a busy week visiting friends, and getting very little sleep, as soon as the plane went above the clouds, I started to drift off.


The lady next to me had different ideas however. Once I had entered that half-asleep half-awake stage, she decided to lean over me and ask the passing air steward, 'What is wrong with the plane?'

I bolted awake, imagining a fiery scream-filled death, hurtling towards earth like a ball-point pen dropped off the Empire State Building.

The air steward however, seemed nonplussed, and asked the lady passenger next to me what she meant.

'Aren't we flying too high?' she replied.

I certainly know that I'd rather be flying too high than too low. She then spent the rest of the flight in the foetal position.

Year away

Hi,

I've been absent for a whole year. I'd love to say that I had a good reason for not updating but I don't. So here I am again. I'm sorry.

So, I'm back in the blogosphere, but in order to hide the shame of not updating people for a year, I've started a new blog. So, with a warm welcome, may I introduce the wonderful, the amusing, the yet-to-be-filled-with-rambling-nonsense, Searching for Sapience. Here are some reviews:

'The best blog since La Vie en Rose, but that doesn't really say much.'

'Setting a new low in blogging.'

'Searching for what? Never heard of it.'

If I've managed to enthrall you, do head on over, say 'hi!' (I'd love to hear from you, even if it's just to say 'hi').

EDIT: I was reading through some of the old posts in this blog, and I decided I like it too much. So I've just transferred all my posts from my ex-new blog, to here. Maybe I'll keep them both updated, but we'll see!

EDIT again: I've changed the name of this blog to Searching for Sapience. So now, the new blog is the old blog, and the old blog is the new blog. Simples!

Things that make me smile

Here is a list of some of the things that make me smile...

Old people
Aren't they just so adorable? The way that they strain to hear what you're saying, the way they make self-defacing comments at checkouts, and the way old people often take the stairs when everyone else takes the lift.

Ducks which stand under a bridge when it rains
When I walk to and from work every day, I cross over the puente de Malecon (which happens to wobble, and I've also noticed that if there are lots of people on the bridge, they start walking in time to the wobbles and thus make it worse). Generally there are lots of ducks in this part of the river because there's a little island in the middle. Most of the time, thus far anyway, it's sunny here in Murcia, but when it rains, all the ducks stand in line under the bridge following its curve across the river. And I just think that's sweet.

People who wear inappropriate clothing to church
It just makes me smile.

My family
Who always make me laugh because all of them are mad in their own way.

What makes you smile?